Title: This is Why Qmimin are not (Insert Random) (3/?)
Pairing: Qmimin♥ (so its nothing romantic cos idk how to write romance T口T)
Genre: Fail (?)
Word Count: 1,481
Summary: Fail!Qmimin. Sungmin is dumb. Zhou Mi abuses animals (just one particular animal). Kyuhyun is mean (what's new?).
A/N: I am in sore need of a new brain.
This is why Qmimin are not fortune tellers:
Male customer: We would like to ask about romance.
Lady customer: /giggles
S: Let me read your palms. Ahhhh~ I see it. You will live a long fruitful life with your wife-
MC: No, wait-
S: Oh, you like kids? You will have five-
MC: Hang on a sec-
S: I see it! When you’re 80, you will be surrounded by grandkids and your loving wife will be by your side-
MC: There must be a mistak-
S: You even have a dog! It’s a corgi! No, wait, your wife looks a little different in my Vision…
LC: I knew it. You’re just lying to me when you said you will divorce your wife! You bastard! I’m allergic to dogs!
S: I love corgis. Just like Queen Elizabeth II. :D
. . . . .
Customer: There is a turtle on your table.
Z: Oh yes, this is a new way of fortune telling. This turtle can speak to me. We are bound in our previous lives as blood brothers. Too bad he’s a turtle this lifetime. Bad karma. /shrugs
C: I would like to ask about wealth.
Z: Kui Xian~ Oh~ Kui Xian~ The mighty turtle from the Eastern Sea~ Open sesame~! Abracadabra~! Amitabh~! Malimali hoom! On the count of three, you are to pick up the golden coin which will then determine the fate of the one you see before you~ One~ Two~ Three!
C: It didn’t move.
Z: Yes, it did. This is a magical turtle. It moves like a swift swallow soaring over the mountaintops! It is too fast for us mere mortals to even see. What I do is I sense it from the bond we share. It picked the coin in the middle.
C: It didn’t move.
Z: Ok, so it didn’t move! Damnit. I’m going to make guilinggao out of you, Kui Xian!
C: Aha! I’m an undercover from the SPCA. I’m taking you in for animal cruelty.
. . . . .
K: When you reach 35 years old, your wife will ditch you for a butcher. Heartbroken, you decide to take your life by jumping off a….wait, my Vision is distorted…Yes, I see it. You will attempt to end your life by jumping off a blue building. But alas! Your time is not up yet. You only manage to break your third lumbar vertebra, 4 ribs, your right funny bone (haha) and your left pinky (you landed on your left hand, see). You tried to commit suicide again without much success as you would have lost the ability to ever walk again and are restricted to the old method of slitting your wrists. The old folks’ home keeps a strict eye on you, making sure you have no access to sharp objects. Yes. The old folks’ home. Where you are destined to spend your entire life in. By the way, the old man in the bed next to you hates your guts. Do NOT accept the sweets he offers you. You have been warned. In summary, your wife ditched you, your children chased you out of the house, the roses you plant don’t bloom, the hamster you keep bites you. But! Things would be so different if you had purchased life insurance. Kyuhyun Insurance ensures that you stay worry-free for the rest of your sorry life. We are now having a once in a lifetime promotion. You stand to enjoy a ten percent discount on your first payment. Please sign here. That will be US$1,000 together with consultation fee. I accept cash and all major credit cards, no cheques. Thank you.
K: Ok fine, on account of your sad sad life, I will grant you an additional five percent discount.
C: …I’m already 40 years old…and single.
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not spacemen:
Inside space shuttle, SiHanChul XII
K: Why am I not allowed to go out to the moon!?
S: Well, first of all, you got lost in the park where we were supposed to assemble for our survival training in the mountains.
K: I am not familiar with the area and the jogging granny pointed me the wrong way.
S: Then you vomited most spectacularly outside the Weightless Wonder.
K: I had a bad case of the gastric flu.
S: And you failed to fly the plane despite being a licensed pilot.
K: My lucky underwear was in the wash.
Z: Awwwwwwwww~ I know. Wearing the wrong underwear can really spoil a day. You’re talking about the red one?
S: I like that one. Nice lacy edges.
K: Thanks man. I had a hard time finding it online. It was all sold out in Victoria’s Secrets. I like your polka dots one too.
Z: Which one? I have three.
K: The navy one adorned with pink ribbons all over. Your silk teddy is pretty awesome too.
S: Yeah well~ :D
K: So can I go to the moon?
Z: I said no.
K: Damn. So much for male bonding.
S: Hurry up and help us strap on our oxygen tanks, will ya’?
K: /straps on oxygen tanks
Z: Ok, I’m done. I’ll see you on the moon! /flies out
S: Wait up! /flails, flies out
Captain Heechul: Kyuhyun, what the fuck are you doing by the nitrogen tanks?
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not forensic scientists:
Z: Erm. There’s a dead body in the room.
K: I think we’re only allowed to cut up dead people. Let me check the guidebook just to make sure, yeah?
Z: He’s naked.
K: I really don’t think he cares anymore, Zhou Mi. I don’t know about your fetishes but I’m not into undressing a body that I’m about to tear apart.
S: Is this your first body? Don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to slit open the abdomen, cut and clean out the stomach and sniff out any poison. Using machines and not our noses, of course. Hahaha. I’ll also show you how to tell how to properly remove every single organ. The kidneys are really difficult. I mean, you’ll really have to dig in and search but don’t worry, I’ll demonstrate first. Hahaha. And why don’t you put on your robe? I mean, you know, sometimes it gets messy, blood and all. When I was dissecting my first body, I sank my scalpel into the rotting liver and everything just busted in my face. Hahaha. Thank god this body looks pretty clean. I have had bodies with half their heads blown off. Terrorists. Have you ever seen half cooked human brains? :D
Z: /dry retches
K: Let’s get a move on, guys. It’s already midnight. End this and we can call it a day.
S: Ok, the body is still warm. Time of death should be approximately an hour ago.
K: Right, let me get this down. Time of death, approx-Zhou Mi, what the hell are you doing?
Z: Sprinkling salt around the doorway? So ghosts can’t enter?
S: You know, if the ghost is already inside this room, that means it’s trapped here with us. Hahaha. :D
Z: /swipes at salt with feet
K: Sungmin, particulars of the deceased?
S: Right. Name, Kim Ryeowook. Sex, mal-
K: I can see that.
Z: Barely, though.
S: Sex, male. Age, twenty three. Body was found by a civilian. Deceased was lying face down in the middle of the road that leads to the forest. There are no visible signs of struggle and open wounds. He was a student and a choir boy at the church near his home. People who knew him say he’s a loner. It seems that he was frequently bullied at church by other choir boys.
S: Poor thing…
Z: So horrible…
S: Ok, let’s chop him up! :D
K: Zhou Mi, prepare to inject corpse with embalming fluids.
Z: We are down to our last few drops of formaldehyde. Alright, someone else needs to do the refilling. I’m sick of inhaling all these toxic fumes.
K: I’ll do it if you stop using the lab’s supply of acetone and ethanol as your nail varnish remover.
Z: /refills formaldehyde
S: Hey guys, I think I need a rest. I must be too tired. I thought I saw his eyes open. Hahaha. :D
Qmi: HOLY CRAP.
Ryeowook: …Where am I…I was bitten by a snake while I was taking a walk and…what are you injecting into me?
K: Erm. Zhou Mi, how much chemicals have you got into him?
Z: Erm. A St. Bernard would probably have been dead by now.
P.S.: idky wook was taking a walk @ 11pm and why his primary concern was not the fact that he was naked.
P.P.S.: the hamster I keep bites me.
P.P.P.S.: HEY GUISE/GAIZ/GUIZ, THIS BROKE MY SANE PARTS
P.P.P.P.S.: i dont watch a lot of CSI but i studied enough chemistry. if you want to argue about autopsy, this is the wrong place. and if you want to discuss the merits of ethanol....this is STILL the wrong place. i only care about the alcohol that exists in margaritas (lime, please). yup.
P.P.P.P.P.S.: omg puppy kyu. you know how zhou mi talked about missing his dog, ni qiu? let kyu be his new ni qiu, please. sobs. i also left a stupid comment on his blog. crying.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: mimi also took a pic of ddangkoma. excuse me while i die /stan!mode
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: i'm such a lazy bum. you can go to that corner and complain together with my mum /sighs
edit: sorry. i flailed so hard ._.