我是羊。 (amillionsheep) wrote,

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the idiotic depressing post of idiotic fics

the depressing masterplan of idiotic fics which i dont ever want to admit i wrote

01 bum bum bum bum bum bum → when i wrote this, i rly wished someone kind would roll me off the edge of a very tall something. maybe zhou mi's head, yeah

02 city men fic → man, when i wrote this, there was fire on my arse cos i rly had to do something important but fuckyeahiwroteficiamdumb&depressedwoot

03 there’s a sunny side to all things sad & fat → when i wrote this, i missed the stupid 11a.m. cut-off time for breakfast at the cafe. i had a wild craving for sunny side ups. sobs. but primarily, i wrote this because i am sad & fat (getting there anyway; i'm riding on a strong wave of frappuccino addiction (makes me poor too)) and zhou mi needs to come along

fuck logic fics are below these five dots

. . . . .

bum bum bum bum bum bum
band fic | pg13 | ~800w | making of superman mv. a lot of ignoring. youtube is very important.
a/n → my beta is sleeping rn, so this might be dangerous

Super Junior's manager calls for a meeting in the dorm. “The company has decided to release a music video for Superman. But we have no budget for your music videos anymore,” Seunghwan says woefully.

“Wait,” Kyuhyun’s admiration of Zhou Mi’s pedicure is interrupted. “You mean there was a budget for Mr. Simple?”

“Wait,” Sungmin’s painting of Zhou Mi’s toenails is interrupted. “Satin or matte black?”

Seunghwan frowns. “It wasn’t cheap to get someone to edit f(x)’s music video for Mr. Simple, you know.” Then, “Holy mollywobbles, I think I have the answer. Matte black.”

As the leader of the pack, Leeteuk feels obliged to make sense of situations regardless how senseless they are. “You have the answer to nail polish?”

“No, I have the answer to your music video.”

“Let me guess. We are going to rent an empty room and hire a showgirl who’s not adverse to BDSM,” Yesung quips intelligently.

“Or deserted warehouse. I like warehouses,” Ryeowook meows. Yesung pets him. He purrs.

“No, you guys aren’t going to film anything.”

“Oh! So we get the day off then?” Eunhyuk asks hopefully.

“Get your arse out of here and start earning the budget for SHINee’s new music video.”

. . . . .

“Can I wear pink bunny ears for the music video?” Sungmin asks.

“No, that would be too cute. We’re aiming for coarse fanwork quality,” Seunghwan says without looking up from his laptop. He is downloading LQ fancams from Youtube.

“For the album cover then?” Sungmin puppies.

“No.” Seunghwan clicks opens CyberLink PowerDirector 9 Deluxe. He gets the fund for the program by selling some very private pictures of Super Junior. He takes them when they are being explosively expressive with their feelings (read: they’re groping each other). “You are going to wear ugly clothes for that.” He opens a file titled [110226] SS3 Manila Don’t Don – Zhou Mi Focus.

Sungmin starts to bleat.

“It’s OK,” Zhou Mi coos from Kyuhyun’s lap,”you can come live on my lap.”

So Sungmin walks over and starts living on Zhou Mi’s lap.

Zhou Mi grimaces when Sungmin sits on him. But only a little. Because he is a very strong man. Men with noses the size of Antarctica tend to be extremely tough.

(Meanwhile, Kyuhyun is unhappy with this arrangement but no one cares about its feelings.)

. . . . .

“Can I get double eyelids?”

Seunghwan pauses in his editing of [Fancam] 101023 SS3 Beijing Kyuhyun solo - New Endless Love. He stares at on-screen Kyuhyun. Artificial lids are actually kind of nice.


Thus, Shindong gets double eyelids.

A lot of people realize he used to be single lidded.

. . . . .

“Look guys, I’m going to get enlisted,” Heechul declares to the rest. “You bitches better be good when I’m not around to lead.”

“I thought I was the leader,” Leeteuk says.

“You are the leader of Super Junior,” Yesung says, “and Heechul’s bitch. We all are.”

“I see.” Leeteuk nods in understanding. “Role playing.”


. . . . .

“At the ‘bum bum bum bum’ bit, I’m going to insert this clip in so you guys look like BAMFs strutting onstage,” Seunghwan rattles on excitedly. He accidentally knocks over his jug of soju.

Everyone ignores him.

But Donghae is a good boy. “That looks really nice, Seunghwan hyung,” he says politely.

. . . . .

“OK, this bit is kind of boring, so dual engined Sungmin will be rocketing towards the ceiling. Cute chicky. Also, Leeteuk will be shaking his head very hard with his mouth wide open. Lovely.” Seunghwan emits a ton of gushing.

Everyone ignores him.

Even Donghae.

. . . . .

“Hyung, if you remove Just Gyuhyun’s logo, they are going to get very angry,” Kyuhyun warns his manager.

Seunghwan ignores him.

. . . . .

“Blow your mind!” Seunghwan suddenly bursts out.

“Should I...” Ryeowook expresses grave concern over his manager’s lack of normal human behavior.

Leeteuk shakes his head. Very. Slowly.

. . . . .

“Can you please remove me from the music video,” Zhou Mi pleas with an inebriated Seunghwan.

“N-no,” he hiccups.

. . . . .

The next day, Seunghwan uploads the music video to Youtube. No fansites are credited.

. . . . .

“And this is why I left(?) Super Junior,” Kibum explains to Heebum. They are watching the music video together in the dorm.

She nods.

. . . . .

At the next SM Entertainment AGM, Seunghwan gets promoted to Chief Financial Officer.


p.s.: puppy is a verb
p.p.s.: that f(x) mv thing doesn't belong to me. someone wrote that...somewhere. tell me and i'll credit~

. . . . .

cold hearted city men fic
non-romantic qmimin (since when do i- nvm) | g | ~200w | they are cold hearted city men (duh)
a/n → once upon a time, there was a ridic tweet convo. hence.

Cold Hearted City Chick

Yesung trips over his own feet as he hurries to Sungmin. "Sungmin! Try this! It's the latest addition to Hansel and Gretel’s menu,” he emotes, holding up a tray of uselessly cute caramel cookies shaped like fluffy Pomeranians (or ugly turtles; it's hard to tell).

Sungmin twists his beak cruelly. “I’m a cannibal. I only eat KFC.”

Yesung’s face falls like August rain.

. . . . .

Cold Hearted City Fashionista

“Zhou Mi! Zhou Mi!” Leeteuk garbles, “Look, freebies from SPAO! For you!” He holds up a SPAO paper bag which depicts Siwon. Fully clothed. For a change. Or. There must be a mistake. Or. They are in the wrong universe; a dimension in which Siwon. Actually. Wears. Clothes. Wow.

Zhou Mi holds up his hand, as if he’s going to say, ‘Talk to my humongous expensive plastic ring, insignificant person’. But really, he’s saying, with disdain clear as posh Perrier sparkling mineral water in his voice, “Auf Wiedersehen.”

Leeteuk’s face falls like December’s snow.

. . . . .

Cold Hearted City Doubled-Lidded

Eunhyuk runs up to Kyuhyun. But before he can open his mouth, Kyuhyun slaps him.

“I don’t talk to the single-lidded,” he says, cold as a butcher’s freezer.

Eunhyuk’s face runs to the plastic surgeon.

But gets overtaken by Sobbing Shindong midway.


p.s.: in my weak defense, im rly depressed ok. so. many. ridic. fics(?).
p.p.s.: auf wiedersehen → german for goodbye; refer to heidi klum on project runway
p.p.p.s.: grisclair → cold hearted city chick
p.p.p.p.s.: qmimin stans get lasagna. we are rainbow marshmallow pillows (rmp. no 's' cos its already incorporated (should we add an 'e' for everlasting? everlasting rainbow marshmallow pillows (ermp)))

. . . . .

there's a sunny side to all things sad & fat
zhou mi | g | ~1500w | zhou mi is sad
a/n → bucks rly just wants my bucks. abusing the word 'sad'

Zhou Mi is sad. He wanders about in the middle of Starbucks for a couple of sad minutes before he remembers why he’s here.

To get fat.

“Caramel frappuccino,” he orders sadly. “Venti.”

“Whipped cream, Sir?” The barista yawns. His name tag reads Heechul.

“No cream,” Zhou Mi says automatically. Then he feels so sad about this and everything else - including that sobbing puppy that refuses to be fed an accidental pastry (Starbucks baked goods taste so bad they must be made by accident. “Oops! Meant to go to the loo, but made a chicken pie by mistake!” said the baker; which is why Starbucks pastries taste like //~censored~//) at the sad table nearest to him - that he amends his order. “Yes cream.” The sad whimper is saturated with guilt.

“Ummm,” Heechul acknowledges him with a nano-nod of his head. He gets this from the office ladies who visit during lunch hour all the time. And metrosexual males.

“Wait, wait,” Zhou Mi stutters sadly. To fat or not to fat. His lips dance in sad sad deliberation.

Heechul coolly side eyes him. So does everyone else in the sad queue behind him.

“Triple cream,” he finally says, fiercely and very sadly, brows quivering with unnecessary determination.

After he gets his order, Zhou Mi turns around to the puppy owner and wails, “You puppy killer!” Then he flees. And because he’s Zhou Mi, he has to slip on a sad napkin and do one of his special awkward leg splits in the middle of the café.

Only Zhou Mi.

Heechul is unperturbed. Stranger things have happened in Starbucks. “Next,” he drawls to the next sad sucker in line.

Yesung clutches his fluffy sad black pom and looks confused. He tries to offer a helping hand to Zhou Mi but the latter just sniffs sadly and slaps Puppy Slayer’s hand away. The split causes Zhou Mi’s inner thighs to hurt too much for walking. So he rolls himself out of Starbucks instead, sipping his fattening frappé all the way.

. . . . .

Zhou Mi meets Calvin for lunch. Calvin is sad too.

“Can you believe Wu Chun and Han Geng are in the same movie?” he whines, all grey skies and thunderstorms.

A piece of sad half-chewed avocado drops out from Zhou Mi’s mouth as he chokes out a sob and bawls into his California roll (but continues eating nonetheless because they are so good).

“You are gross.” Calvin pets Zhou Mi’s head lovingly.

Sad and agitated, Zhou Mi flings Calvin’s hand away, stands up in frustration and makes a face as he looks down at him. Calvin stands up too and oh, he’s just as tall…taller? Zhou Mi looks like an adorable lost joey who has climbed on the wrong koala mum’s back for a moment. His height fails him for the first time. This is new. And sad. Too.

So Zhou Mi sits down and sadly orders more carbohydrates.

. . . . .

Zhou Mi flutters despondently into Starbucks again, not unlike a sad moth flinging itself into fire. Heechul’s shift hasn’t even ended. He is calm even before the human moth, who is decidedly not calm.

“M-m-mocha cream frappé,” Zhou Mi shudders with sadness.

For the first time in his entire career as an unfriendly barista, Heechul pauses. “We don’t have that,” he cocks an eyebrow and says, “just mocha frappuccinos.”

“You mean you can’t unload a can of whipped cream in it?” Zhou Mi simpers and widens his sad eyes. There is fear of skinny food in it.

“Oh,” Heechul resumes his p-p-p-pokerface ma-ma-ma-ma. “That can be done.”

. . . . .

Zhou Mi returns to the dorm and sees Donghae and Eunhyuk sharing a pint of rum & raisin that isn’t even his (nor theirs. Henry bought it but no one cares. Even if it has ‘eat n die Ma bro yeaaa!!11one!!aaaaaa!!!! ’ scrawled all over it in lopsided English) so he really shouldn’t feel so aggravated. But Zhou Mi is sad ok. Sad people have more rights. So he clasps a hand over his mouth to smother those sobs and runs out of the apartment in full kdramatics.

“What’s wrong ,” Eunhyuk frowns.

“Maybe it’s your face,” Donghae answers brightly as he chews a fat unhappy raisin.



. . . . .

“Give me the most fattening item on your menu.”

“That would be everything,” Heechul declares apathetically, like a cold-hearted city barista who has grown used to watching his sad regulars get round.

“OK.” Zhou Mi’s sad voice trembles like a candle in the wind. “Maybe I’ll have that.”

. . . . .

Sungmin returns back to the dorm to see Zhou Mi flopping about like a sad walrus in the middle of an empty Starbucks plastic cups ocean. Kyuhyun is waddling around him like a penguin. Or maybe he’s just being his sad self.

Zhou Mi flops over to Sungmin and nuzzles his ankles, squashing about three point five million plastic cups in the process. So cute. Urgh.

Kyuhyun reorganizes his waddling and starts orbiting around them.

“Are you sad again?” Sungmin asks as he knees down and taps two fingers on the walrus’s forehead.

Zhou Mi wobbles for a bit.

“Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr~” Sungmin coos to Zhou Mi who flips over and starts to wiggle with sad joy. The penguin keels over and half-dies in the background.

“Have you had your cholesterol?” Sungmin scratches Zhou Mi’s tummy.

Zhou Mi paws Sungmin’s shirt. “Just sugar, carbs and fats,” he nyans.

Sungmin flinches away from his coffee breath. “It’s time for eggs,” he declares, one finger pointing resolutely skywards.

“Just one…?” Zhou Mi thrashes his sad tail around wildly.

“Nay, as many as you wish. I just want to appear decisive.”

Kyuhyun revives himself and follows them into the kitchen. He rolls up his sleeves while everyone else in the dorm flees for their lives.

Unsurprisingly, only Siwon dies. He had too much faith. In Kyuhyun as well.

. . . . .

Sungmin watches Zhou Mi demolishes a mountain worth of black sunny side ups. Kyuhyun is a terrible person. And chef. Yeah, that too, but mainly a terrible person.

“It’s just one of those days, isn’t it?”

Zhou Mi sticks out his lower lip and shoves another carcinogenic fried egg that he doesn’t want into his mouth.

“You woke at three a.m. last night and thought your life is over?”

“Nothing’s worth living for and you’re a total failure?”

“Your mama isn’t here, your papa isn’t here, your puppy isn’t here.”

His puppy isn't here. Oh God, saddest thing on Earth. Zhou Mi weeps, eats more eggs, gets anxiety attacks over cancer but eats more eggs anyway.

“But Zhou Mi,” Kyuhyun continues relentlessly, “lifes good. If we all jus keep workin...all of us can make it! Heart body mind soul n sweat is the recipe. No matter what it is. Can bdone! With ALL these 5...u can do nethin! Neva give up!!!”

“I can do nothing?” Zhou Mi sobs.

“That sounds really familiar,” Sungmin muses.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“OK. Can you turn back into a penguin now?” Sungmin pouts. So Kyuhyun mutes himself and resumes his waddling. Zhou Mi ruins the food chain by feeding the bird some egg.

“Hug!” Sungmin suddenly commands and jumps into Zhou Mi’s closed arms.

“I think I broke some ribs,” Zhou Mi moans sadly and weakly pinches one of Sungmin’s chins. Or maybe that's fondling.

“Shut up, you like it.”

The penguin bounces over (tripping over its webbed feet only thrice) and flaps its wings in extreme distress over being left out, Angry bird warbles at the two of them before he puts his small sad head on Sungmin’s lap. "You can't fly, you short fat baby fowl," Zhou Mi says with sad adoration. He scoops the penguin up and cuddles it. Kyuguin lets out some disgustingly cute coos and gurgles as Zhou Mi tickles it under the flippers. Sungmin pulls the black and white thing over and squishes its face with his own. Zhou Mi joins in and the three of them engage in happy face-squishing exercise.

Zhou Mi lets out some chipper burbles himself and stops feeling sad for a few seconds.


. . . . .

“You’re addicted, aren’t you?” Heechul finally asks.

Blinking back glittering unshed tears, Zhou Mi elaborates, “It’s just that overpriced, overhyped, calorie-laden, diabetes inducing, fake coffee drinks are really healing.”


p.s.: walruses have foreheads. walruses have foreheads?
p.p.s.: my mum wrote this
Tags: qmimin, zhou mi
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